Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
