I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
