i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
soo... how was my night?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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