My liver just broke up with me...
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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