If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
