just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
