sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
