Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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