Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
