just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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