New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Randomize
