quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize