you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize