He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
