Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
