gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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