Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
