oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
