just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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