More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
