My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
no, he came in my armpit
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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