I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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