Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
