nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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