Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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