It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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