dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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