I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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