This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
