she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
