I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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