Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize