Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
