theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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