it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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