You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
