When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
