remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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