i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
