It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
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