He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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