Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
