Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
