I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
