he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
