3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Randomize
