is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
