just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
