we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
