Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize