If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
