your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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