Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
barbara walters just said penis...
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
wow bdsm is so cute
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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