I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
