I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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