Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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